Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
