he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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