The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
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Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
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Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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