Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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