I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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