I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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