I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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