3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Let's paint friendship bongs
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
