I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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