Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
