We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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