Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
