dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
