ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
