how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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