Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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