John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
