So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
