I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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