Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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