Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
