new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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