I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
