every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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