New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
