Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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