I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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