he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
