There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
