Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
