I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
