I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
