when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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