i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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