Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Panties = found
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
