It's like God shit irony all over that family
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
