Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
