She is in my trunk
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
