i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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