Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
