So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
