I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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