my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
