4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
