I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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