Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
