I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
