I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish i was in the wii world.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
