i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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