dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
