My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
