You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
