then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
