I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
