she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
