i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
