We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just invented taco cereal.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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