Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
