Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
