You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
as a side note pls kill me
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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