Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
